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craziness
March 2009 
The other side of crazy?
Posted on Sep 6th, 2006
by 
Itlandm
Itlandm
Atheists will probably think I suffer from some kind of mental illness, since I constantly experience another presence, which I assume to be divine, in my body beside my ego. And not just an impersonal conditioning like a conscience ... I had a conscience, but I got rid of it because it was focused on small, unimportant things and generally was more of a nuisance. I don't really need it when I have the Presence, which I've generally thought to be Jesus (but I have no proof of that).
To a large extent I understand my doubtful friends. I have an avid interest in topics on the frontiers of science, such as cosmology and sub-nuclear mechanics, but my attempts to get some info from the supposed divine Presence has largely failed spectactularly. And when it didn't, that was even worse. I once rode a train alone (or rather there were no friends or family with me) and passed the time reading Scientific American. I cannot remember if I actively tried to draw something out of the Presence again, but in any case He suddenly started to show me an awesome vista of knowledge beyond anything I had imagined. And then He informed me that I would have to forget this completely or I would have to die, because it must not be known at this time. Well, I'm a certified coward, so here I am. Sheesh, that was scary! I've been more careful about badgering for extrasensory information since then.
So yes, as far as anyone can measure with their electrodes, I'm just delusional. Sometimes I wonder myself: Should I trust my own experience or the 6.5 billion other people, most of which don't experience this? It's a hard nut. But the fact remain that I'm content under circumstances where ordinary humans would suffer unspeakable painful loneliness. I don't look for someone to love me, I learn from being misunderstood.
Strangely, I am no saint. Somewhat boring by contemporary standards, yes, but definitely not a real saint. In fact, I have just recently decided to repent because I'm a big ego. So I don't really have an explanation. But if I'm crazy, God preserve me from becoming sane!
To a large extent I understand my doubtful friends. I have an avid interest in topics on the frontiers of science, such as cosmology and sub-nuclear mechanics, but my attempts to get some info from the supposed divine Presence has largely failed spectactularly. And when it didn't, that was even worse. I once rode a train alone (or rather there were no friends or family with me) and passed the time reading Scientific American. I cannot remember if I actively tried to draw something out of the Presence again, but in any case He suddenly started to show me an awesome vista of knowledge beyond anything I had imagined. And then He informed me that I would have to forget this completely or I would have to die, because it must not be known at this time. Well, I'm a certified coward, so here I am. Sheesh, that was scary! I've been more careful about badgering for extrasensory information since then.
So yes, as far as anyone can measure with their electrodes, I'm just delusional. Sometimes I wonder myself: Should I trust my own experience or the 6.5 billion other people, most of which don't experience this? It's a hard nut. But the fact remain that I'm content under circumstances where ordinary humans would suffer unspeakable painful loneliness. I don't look for someone to love me, I learn from being misunderstood.
Strangely, I am no saint. Somewhat boring by contemporary standards, yes, but definitely not a real saint. In fact, I have just recently decided to repent because I'm a big ego. So I don't really have an explanation. But if I'm crazy, God preserve me from becoming sane!
Access: PublicTagged with: craziness, divine presence
You are not alone.
Thank you for sharing. It's beautiful, isn't it?
I tried to become 'sane' once. It drove me crazy. It almost killed me. Really.
Yes, I cannot imagine surviving long with that gaping hole inside. It makes me wonder if most people have simply grown hardened to that harsher life from childhood, or whether there is some degree of Presence in their lives too, but they just don't think of it as such. Perhaps something in between; for while most live on, there is a lot of loneliness and despair, and people do unpleasant or dangerous things sometimes just to not be alone.